Retirement Plans for Millennials

after a truly insane weekend, pls enjoy some unrelated satire. thanks for being here; if you want more content, I have a premium page & it makes my day when people sign up!! xo

Retirement Plans for Millennials

The oldest millennials are now approaching their mid-40s, which is early to think about retirement. No one starts planning sixty years in advance! However, for overachievers who do want to get the jump on retirement plans, we have some advice. The hard part about retiring is finding the money to do it: if we wanted to pay for some future entity’s life expenses, we’d have kids, which we’re famously not doing. However, I have some ideas for what we millennials can tuck away:

• The revenue generated from fermenting your own kombucha: This really compounds, especially since you can use the same starter for all of them. Which you can. It’s not unsanitary, I don’t think.

• Security deposits: You know that elated feeling when you leave an apartment and you suddenly remember you’re owed two months rent? If you move enough times, this adds up. If you spend them each time on the next apartment’s security deposit, this doesn’t. 

• A lifetime of credit card reward points: My Visa puts about $30/year into a Roth IRA. But if I PostMates nine meals per week, it can be as much as $35. So…

• Hoping your childhood Beanie Babies end up being worth something: I still have my Peace (the Beanie Baby. Obviously not, like, inner peace).

• Government pensions: This is one of those things you always hear about but never believe is real, like men who do dishes. The trick with this one is to live somewhere where the front-runner for the Presidency isn’t threatening to fire most government workers.

• Being a X creator: I wouldn’t discount the possibility that Elon Musk will eventually start using his own money to pay anyone who’s willing to keep using his dying site.

• GoFundMe: Worked for George Santos’ neighbor’s dog!

• Making a fantastically wealthy childless man fall in love with you right before his heart transplant fails, and then leaving you $8.7 million in a check, which is definitely how people transfer inheritances, since $8.7 million is an amount of money that it’s normal to keep in cash, not stocks or bonds or real estate or anything: Been rewatching Grey’s Anatomy, seems feasible.

• NFTs: Can’t be dumber than anything else.

• Committing an impressive fraud and then selling your life rights to Netflix: This has been proven to work. Plus, you won’t even be able to get a job after—you’ll have to retire.

• Ask ChatGPT: Just kidding. They told me to try my employer-sponsored 401k. Get lost, ChatGPT.

• Good vibes: These have to be worth something. Otherwise, I’ve wasted my whole life.

• Social Security: Lol jk.

• Hoping Gen Z solves the economy: Right after they solve global warming.

• Oh right! Global warming! Could make the whole “retirement planning” thing unnecessary. And also, it’ll lower my heating bill. Fingers crossed.

• Jk: I would never pray for the planet to explode just because I don’t have a retirement plan.

• But in my defense: That would solve the problem.

• Please don’t tell anyone I said that: I can’t afford to get canceled. I’m depending on X to pay my bills in old age.

• I’m just throwing everything at the wall: The global warming thing was a bad idea, I’ll admit it. But it’s starting to look like the only option is…

• Never retiring: Just learned my Peace Beanie Baby is only worth $17.