this is not traditional masculinity

The other day, I needed to pee at a Home Depot. The women’s bathroom was closed for cleaning, so I went in the men’s. I typically use whichever bathroom has the shorter line (it’s 2025!). Occasionally, someone will tell me I’m in the wrong one, but I go ahead anyway. No one ever stops me. It’s 2025! And it’s not like I pause to stare at the penises. I try to avoid looking, if at all possible. I’m very quick. I do it man-style, which is to say, I don’t even wash my hands.

This time was different. As I tried to enter, a man blocked the door. He told me it was a men’s room. I responded, “that’s okay,” but he didn’t budge. In response, he echoed a common MAGA talking point, as though quoting politicians isn’t unbearably cringy. He said: “there are only two genders.”

Now, that’s not true, on a biological or social level. But it wasn’t relevant, as I have never purported to be anything other than cisgendered. And at that exact moment in time, I looked particularly “female,” as I was eight months pregnant.

I did not push past him. I gave up. If I could go back, though, there so much I wish I’d said.: Trump saying something doesn’t make it true. Trans and non-binary people exist regardless of passport rules. You don’t own this Home Depot. I’m not looking at your penis!!!

But mostly, I wish I’d asked him to take a bird’s eye view of the situation. He was so threatened by new ideas of gender norms, by a new world order that redefined what it meant to be a man, that he was blocking a PREGNANT LADY from peeing. I couldn’t even say he was backward, as he wasn’t aligned with traditional masculinity. I had never encountered anything quite so beta. You want to talk about being a man? What about being a gentleman? What about chivalry? What about men standing up for women? Do you think George HW Bush ever blocked a pregnant lady from peeing???? I don’t think so. He would have held the door. And then he would have stood by it to protect my privacy. That’s the Bush Way.

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“Traditional masculinity” is not well-defined; each culture has its own tradition. Still, if you’ve seen Mad Men, you have an idea of the type I’m talking about, which includes both negative characteristics like aggression, isolation, and repression, as well as positive characteristics like bravery and strength. To be clear, I don’t think we should return to traditional masculinity. I don’t think it’s good. I don’t think the positives outweigh the negatives, nor do I think we need traditional gender roles to celebrate bravery and strength in people of all genders. I would prefer equality, even if it gives men permission to be scared of mice, for example. Especially if it gives men permission to be scared of mice. Because those men are more likely to get cats. And that benefits everyone.

Still, of the many problems with traditional masculinity, the worst might be that the modern aspiring-traditional-male doesn’t know what it means. Men who want a return to traditional masculinity often talk about it as though it didn’t come with its own set of responsibilities. As though men didn’t need to work to uphold their end of the bargain. As though traditional masculinity meant sitting around waiting for your wife to bring you a sandwich, and not doing the hours of labor necessary to provide the bread. And the mustard. And even the ham and cheese.

Along with the man who wouldn’t let me pee, here’s a list of times that men who purport to want “traditional” masculinity have completely flopped:

• JD Vance defending people who are racist against his wife. I don’t think it would really be productive for the VP to, like, punch somebody, but I think it would be an improvement. Defending one’s wife is without a doubt part of traditional masculinity.

• Elon Musk using his own four-year-old son as a human shield. Defending one’s children – and not the other way around – is part of traditional masculinity.

• Don Jr not having the courage to end his engagement before he began introducing his new woman as his girlfriend. Traditional men had the decency to at least try to hide their affairs. You think I’m joking, but I’m not. I would have never thought to defend Bill Clinton for lying about Monica Lewinsky until I saw Trump’s Access Hollywood tapes. If you’ve committed sexual misconduct, it’s better to lie about it than brag about it. It’s better to show you’re ashamed.

• Men who are into Memecoins. My Twitter DMs used to be full of men trying to have sex. Now it’s just Memecoin scams. What’s happened to virility??? Traditional men tried to fuck, not hodl.

• Men who complain about trans kids. It’s not merely that it’s transphobic, though it is. It’s that it’s whiny. It’s that it’s embarrassing to have your masculinity threatened by a tiny number of teenagers. I would describe “never complaining,” or at the very least, minimizing public complaints, as one of the hallmarks of traditional masculinity. If men want to complain, fine. But if they do, they should acknowledge that they’re a full person with feelings and emotions, which means they must respect the feelings and emotions of others. If you want to be a repressed symbol of traditional masculinity who doesn’t listen, shut the fuck up.

• Also Doug Emhoff having to tell JD Vance to wait for his wife as he bounds out of the car. And if you think this is just a matter of optics, you should know that it was for an official photo-shoot. Optics was the whole point, and JD failed.

• This photo of Marco Rubio:

  

And in case you think I’m simply equating the right-wing with emasculation, here’s an example of a right-winger upholding both the positive and negative ends of traditional masculinity: Ben Shapiro complaining about student loan forgiveness because he himself paid off his wife’s loans. He’s embodying the negative aspects of isolation – believing we’re all in it for ourselves and shouldn’t help the rest of society. But he’s also embodying a positive aspect – caring for his wife. And so I hope you’ll believe men when I say I do not support a return to traditional masculinity. If Ben Shapiro can do it, it can’t be good.

Here’s the thing about traditional masculinity; it wasn’t all that easy. The 1950s weren’t the glory days everyone thinks they were, though to the extent that they were economically easier, it’s probably because the richest people paid a 91% tax rate. The 1950s and 60s were a time of great anxiety, and the stigma against mental illness – especially for men – prevented many from seeking treatment. Men in the 1950s really often stressed out about supporting their whole family; they did not like being the one earner. It’s a lot of pressure! In fact, studies have found that men are happiest when their wives make 40% of the family income. And yes, if you’re thinking that it’s an issue that men are less happy when their wives earn more than they do, yes, you’re right. That’s one of the many problems with traditional masculinity.

But I don’t expect we can get MAGA to rejected traditional masculinity with the argument that it’s bad for women. Instead, we should remind them it’s bad for them, too. Men who glorify traditional masculinity should recognize that it came with obligations and pressure, and we have evolved enough that we could reject them, if we choose. There’s no reason men in heterosexual marriages should have to be the sole earners for their families, not when there’s another person there who can contribute. There’s no reason a man should fear his whole family will lose health insurance if he loses his job, not when there are other ways we can provide a social safety net. There’s no reason men should have to suck up their pain and never complain; anybody can benefit from learning to express their emotions. There’s no reason men should have to be brave in the face of gun violence and war when in fact, both of those things are policy decisions. We can decide to have less violence, we can decide to have less repression, we can decide to have less isolationism. We can decide to ask less of men. Or at the very least, less of the traditional man.