Success Will be My Retribution, Unless I Fail, In Which Case I’m Going with Killer Bees

I’ve been treated very, very badly. Probably the worst in history. Nobody has ever, ever, ever been treated as unfairly as I have. I’ve been prosecuted for at least 2% of the crimes I’ve committed, and also, people are very rude to me on the Cable TV. As I’m sure you can imagine, it would be fair if I locked up everyone who ever wished me ill. But no, I won’t do that. There’s only one kind of retribution I need: my own success! Unless that’s not an option, in which case, yeah, I’m going to have to sic killer bees on all my enemies.

All I need to do is win an election in a historic landslide. And once I’ve done that, my foes will feel so stupid that I won’t even need to punish them! Ah yes, success alone will be my retribution. Unless it turns out it was only a landslide relative to the expectations everyone had for me, which were basement-level. If my foes don’t actually feel particularly stupid, well, that’s why God/I made Killer Bees.

I keep a running list in my head of everyone who’s ever wronged me. It includes every African nation that sends us affordable diamonds we can’t manufacture here. Every teenage girl who ever rejected me, from the time I was in middle school until my mid-60s. Every journalist who ever printed anything negative about me, even if it was just an unflattering photo or a true statement I made. Also, credit card readers in coffee shops that start the suggested tip at 18%. Are you kidding me??? What happened to 5%, assholes?? But it’s just a list in my head. I’m not out here to punish all those tools. I just want them to know they picked the losing side! Unless my side is the losing side, which is where the Killer Bees I’ve been growing on the South Lawn come in.

Living well is the best revenge! And the second best revenge is obviously Killer Bees. I mean, come on. They’re bees that kill you. It’s brilliant.

Trust me, when my enemies see my approval ratings, they’ll be sorry! Sorry they ever tried to f*ck with me, the most successful and beloved man on – wait – what’s my approval rating right now? And that’s out of 100? Oof. Okay, bring me the hive. Covered in the net, obviously. Just in case.

I wasn’t planning to take away anyone’s security clearance. I wasn’t planning to open up any Justice Department investigations. I wasn’t planning to revoke millions of dollars in federal funding for anyone, regardless of how badly they’ve treated me. Well, not that much, anyway. What was I planning to do? Post Instagram photos of myself sipping mudslides on a boat, to show the haters their words can’t bring me down! And if that doesn’t work because the headlines are like “The President sips mudslides while fires spread across the entire Midwest, South, Regular West, East, and also the Mountain States,” well: put your ear up against the door to the Oval Office, folks. Do ya hear buzzing?

Okay, so there was a recession followed by a depression followed by a measles epidemic followed by a nuclear war. So I guess success has not been my retribution per se. But on the bright side, I did make all my enemies suffer! And everyone else. As it turns out, success is not the best retribution. The best retribution is actual retribution. What goes around always comes around. Speaking of… did someone take my bees? They were right here, inside this net, and oh, god…oh my god.