Senator Susan Collins is Concerned
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Senator Susan Collins is Concerned
Senator Susan Collins wakes up in the morning with a furrowed brow. She is Concerned.
As she makes her morning coffee, Senator Susan Collins ponders the direction the country is moving in. She’s not so sure it’s a good one. She’s Concerned.
From 10 am-noon, Senator Susan Collins responds to media requests. How does she feel about RFK Jr’s anti-vax positions? Concerned. His alleged rape of his nanny? Concerned. Kash Patel’s enemies list? Also Concerned. All very Concerning. No doubt about it. And it seems to come down to her, which is the most Concerning part of all.
The next journalist asks how she feels about the Trump’s J6 pardons. By now, Senator Susan Collins is bored, so she takes a moment to look at a post-it note over her desk. It’s a list of synonyms for “Concerned”: anxious, distressed, disturbed, troubled, uneasy, uptight. “Distressed” is too dramatic; “uptight” is too on the nose. Senator Susan Collins is Uneasy. She might even say she’s Disturbed.
After lunch, Senator Susan Collins takes a walk. As she does, she rests her eyes on all that Concerns her – dead leaves, dead bugs, parallel parking that does not even come close to approaching parallel, every memo to come out of the White House in the past ten days, the potential return of Polio. If only there were something she could do!
An aide to Senator Susan Collins lets her know that her inbox is full of Concerned Constituents who want her to vote “no” on Tulsi Gabbard’s nomination, since apparently, she alone can stop Gabbard from getting a floor vote. She didn’t ask for this. Senator Susan Collins relates to these Constituents, in that she is also Concerned. And she relates to them in that she’d prefer to offload the problem to somebody else. Is Senator Lisa Murkowski busy? She’s been known to have some Concerns of her own. Maybe they could switch committee assignments. Maybe they could switch states. Alaska is so far away from the mainland US. Miles, and miles, and miles between her and her Concerns.
But Senator Susan Collins is more than just a Concerned Senator. She acts on her Concerns at least once a quarter. For example, she voted against confirming Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. After the fifth sexual assault allegation, her Concerns overwhelmed her, and she had no other choice. But that was a mere week ago. Surely, it should tide her over until the Spring.
Senator Susan Collins would never admit it, but sometimes she misses being in the minority. She was equally Concerned, but people asked her about it less often.
Sometimes, it feels like Senator Susan Collins is the only Concerned one. The only person who can relate is Monica from Friends, but she’s fictional. Concerningly Fictional, even. But in times of isolation, Senator Susan Collins makes herself busy with her other favorite hobby: Looking Into It. Apparently, Trump told international aid workers to stop offering treatment to AIDs patients. Is this true? Senator Susan Collins is Looking Into It. If true, she’s Concerned.
After work, Senator Susan Collins has a doctor’s appointment. “Your blood pressure is a little high,” the Doctor notes. She scoffs. Of course it is! She’s so Concerned! It would be so simple for her to take the easy way out and vote with her party 100% of the time! But that’s not how one comports oneself when one is as Concerned as she! Instead, she settles for a mere 95%. And now, her blood pressure is high! Just one more thing to be Concerned about! Woe is her! Oh, to feel the weight of the world as she does!
“Oh, wait, no, it’s normal,” the Doctor says. “I misread it.”
Incompetent doctors. One more thing for Senator Susan Collins to be Concerned about.