Retirement Announcement for Every Republican Leaving Congress
hey friends, please enjoy this satire piece! also tix are on sale for my next stand up show: 2/24 in NYC! with my wonderful friend Isabel Hagen
Retirement Announcement for Every Republican Leaving Congress
To my esteemed colleagues and also Mike Johnson,
I regret to inform you that I will be leaving Congress shortly. I could seek re-election and win in a landslide, but it would be very difficult. Emotionally. To even have to try.
Yes, I sold my soul for this party, and yes, I’m now calling it quits. But to anyone shocked by this, just know that I would sell my soul for less. A fancy new couch. Free Botox, depending on the unit-count. A coupon for the Chuck E Cheese arcade, even. What I’m saying is: DM me.
Why am I leaving? Well, it’s become a bit unfulfilling. I never expected us to pass laws, of course, but I didn’t expect us to fail to pass laws quite so loudly. I didn’t spend a full 3% of my own personal inheritance just to be an innocent bystander: I always wanted to be at the center of starting unnecessary wars overseas. And in this Congress, I don’t have that opportunity.
Were my expectations too high? Maybe. But at this point, serving in Congress no longer makes me cool in the eyes of my prom date, so honestly, what’s the point? It’s not like the hours were even good. If I wanted to pull an all-nighter while also accomplishing nothing, I’d wait in line for the bathroom at Coachella. At least the people there are hot.
But I’m grateful. I really am. Serving in this historically significant body has been the honor of a lifetime. Well, that’s not true. But – to paraphrase Lena Dunham’s character in Girls – it’s been an honor. Of a lifetime. And I’ve made a lot of wonderful friends, almost entirely in the lobbying industry.
Besides, I’m proud of what we accomplished. I’ll always hang my hat on the fact that I was part of the largest upward wealth transfer in American history. That is not nothing. That is not nothing.
So, at the end of the day, no regrets. Except maybe making fun of Mitch McConnell’s weird neck so much behind his back. But in my defense, it’s really weird. And don’t tell me it’s just an age thing. Most of my colleagues are geriatric, myself included. It’s a Mitch thing.
Anyway, the time has come for me to spend more time with my family and also my podcast. Ultimately, I’ve realized that “public service” doesn’t technically require the “public” part. Private equity seems like a perfectly pleasant option. Or Palantir. I need to go work somewhere where they really value my knowledge of classified national security information. And that’s just not Congress. Not anymore.
To my constituents concerned about their lack of representation once I resign, take comfort in the knowledge that I wasn’t doing all that much for you during my term, either. At a certain point, it was mostly just leaving mean comments on Chris Murphy’s IG reels. If you want representation in government, invest billions of dollars in TrumpCoin.
In conclusion, I always said I’d leave politics before politics left me. A statement which ultimately means nothing. Kinda like my career in Congress.
Also, I don’t think Trump is going to endorse me. I’d still win in a landslide, though, if I did seek re-election. Which I won’t.
Sincerely,
Every Republican Leaving Congress
PS. Pls make a note for the history books – I was never into the January 6th stuff. If you zoom in on my face in photos taken on the day of, I’m clearly grimacing.