Little-Known Benefits of Microplastics
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It wasn’t until I read that two of the leading causes of microplastics in the bloodstream were a) bottled water and b) tap water that I decided to just give up. It just seemed impossible to win. They’re everything; they’re the new Taylor Swift. We are all destined to have a million tiny microplastics within us. In fact, maybe it’s time to start embracing the benefits, such as:
An excuse for your stomach ache: It’s not the 42 ounces of Kraft Mac ‘n Cheese. It’s microplastics.
Less to recycle: If it’s inside you, it doesn’t need to also go into the recycling bin. Cross that off your to-do list!
That third ear: All the better to hear you with!
Animal kindness: Look, the plastics are going to be in someone. Would you prefer they be inside an innocent whale? You’re 2% plastic so the dolphins don’t have to be.
Cuteness: Microplastics are tiny. Less than .2 inches in diameter! And as we know from cats, babies, and male anatomy, everything small is cute.
A reason for your charmingly messy apartment: Microplastics are definitely in cleaning supplies. So, you should throw them all out. Your floor is covered in cat shit for the health of your houseguests. We’re already 12% plastic. You don’t need to make things worse by using Windex.
A friend for your IUD: Only children are lonely, and so are only-foreign-objects-in-human-bodies. You’re not RFK Jr; you’re not lucky enough to randomly find a dead worm inside your brain. You don’t want your IUD to be the only artificial device that’s rooted itself inside you. You need microplastics.
Vindication that you never did Keto: With the rise of microplastics, it’s clear that no food is truly healthy. Therefore, you’re just as justified in eating a burrito as you are in eating a broccoli smoothie. It’s not about what percent of your body mass is fat. It’s about how 25% of all of us are plastic.
Barbie was plastic: Think about it.
Low-rise jeans don’t seem like such a massive threat anymore: In context, they’re not so bad. I mean, you’re like 47% plastic by now. What does it matter what you wear?
Same with nukes: Sadly, yes.
The chance to be part of a real-time science experiment: Did you miss your shot to get in on one of the Covid vaccine trials? Now’s your chance! In 100 years, we’ll have a much better idea of how microplastics impact humans, and it will be because of you. For example, if everyone gets cancer because our blood is 62% plastic, you’re one of those people who helped scientists (and everyone else) figure out why. Thank you.
Solidarity: You don’t need to join a union, you just need to eat food one time. And boom – you finally have something in common with your dad.
Conversation topics when traveling abroad: Microplastics are everywhere, so now, instead of being that asshole American who understands nothing about European culture, you can be that asshole American who's also a fellow 78%-plastic-repository. And if you’re in France, be sure to use the term “microplastique” or they’ll have no idea what you’re talking about.
A single, unifying thread among all humankind: In this time of political turbulence, it can be hard to remember we have more in common than we think. Trump, Biden, and even worm-brain voters alike – we all have millions of tiny microplastics within us. What better gift to receive during an election cycle than a reminder that we’re all one (hunk of plastic).
Inner peace: You don’t have anxiety anymore. Because you’re 97% plastic, and plastic doesn’t stress.
An afterlife: Once you hit 100%, I believe you’re qualified for the landfill.
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