It’s Not True
But if it were…
hey friends, please enjoy this satire piece! also tix are on sale for my next stand up show: 2/24 in NYC! with my wonderful friend Isabel Hagen
It’s Not True
No, he absolutely was NOT friends with that pedophile. They barely knew each other! But plenty of us are friends with someone who’s done something bad. Can you honestly tell me that there’s no one in your phone book who’s ever flirted with an underage woman (the technical term)? He didn’t know the guy! But if he did, big deal.
Omg, shut up! He doesn’t accept bribes. EVER. He makes his money the old-fashioned way, through inheritance. And occasionally cooking the books. Or, having his accountant and/or sons do it. But if he did accept bribes, it would be understandable. I mean, it saves taxpayer dollars, to accept it from a foreign power instead. It’s generous really. Downright populist. Qatar pays, so you don’t have to! America First.
No, he isn’t throwing his political enemies in jail. Maybe a few are currently being investigated by the FBI, but it’s an independent agency. What do you think this “I” stands for? But if he were throwing his political enemies in jail…I mean, you’re the one who complained that the criminal justice system was racist. And last I checked, John Bolton was white. He’s actually being really progressive. Diversifying crime. DEI.
No, he’s not running for a third term. That’s a bogus rumor made up by the media, who totally took his words out of context. He only said he SHOULD and COULD and MIGHT run for a third term, not that any of these papers still have fact-checkers. But if he did, what’s the big deal? Don’t we want a leader who’s dedicated? And it’s not as though people wouldn’t get to vote. It’s still Democracy-ish.
His health is perfect! Every single rumor about his failing health is a complete fabrication. And so what if he is kinda stroking-out in public most days? Since when is poor health a reason to give up on someone? Unless you’re a EUGENICIST.
He didn’t blame the Radical Left for any and all political violence in this country!! If you saw a video that looks like it did, you should know it was actually AI-generated. He didn’t know anything about it.
He absolutely did not try to overturn a legitimate election. He was simply asking questions. About how one might go about overturning a legitimate election, if one wanted to. Which he didn’t do, probably because everyone he talked to was too stupid to give him good advice. But if he did, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal, because he didn’t succeed. No harm, no foul.
He absolutely did NOT suggest using the military against American citizens. He said they should be deployed to handle the “enemy from within,” which clearly referred to Red Dye No. 2. But if he did say it – which he didn’t – do you want chaos? Are you pro-chaos? Pretty Radical Left of you (according to AI).
He never called for violence against protesters. Those were metaphors! But if he had called for actual violence, just remember that sometimes you have to fight for your Democracy. Or am I the only one who remembers WW2?
Inciting a Civil War? I’m going to go ahead and say not only is it not that bad, but it’s actually good. That’s how we got rid of slavery. Are you pro-slavery?
Wait, are you seriously still asking about the pedophile??!! He wasn’t friends with that guy!! They didn’t even know each other! All those photos are fake, the birthday card was fake, this story is all one big fake – LOOK OVER THERE! We renovated the ballroom.