I’m Such a Mom

enjoy this satire piece, and before you do, pls reserve tix to my next stand up show! jan 20th xox

Photo by Maksim Shutov on Unsplash

I’m such a mom. I always carry a bag of nuts with me.

I’m such a mom. I’m the one in the friend group who always has Purell.

I’m such a mom. I’ll hold your hand while you’re vomiting.

I’m such a mom. I’ll listen to all your problems.

I’m such a mom. I’m totally chill about spilled juice.

I’m such a mom. I can diagnose strep throat from across a playground.

I’m such a mom. You can eat my fries, it’s been years since I had my own plate of food anyway.

I’m such a mom. I’m ready to debate which color food dye is least toxic (yellow).

I’m such a mom. I narrate my life like it’s a children’s book. It’s adorable, unless I’m talking to anyone over the age of 3. Then it’s embarrassing, and I feel the urge to remind people that I had a personality once. Of course I did – I was a Feminist Studies major!

I’m such a mom. I never have my hands free. Seriously, don’t text me. I don’t have my hands free.

I’m such a mom. I’m counting down the minutes ‘til bedtime. Starting around 11 am.

I’m such a mom. Can I wear a paper bag to your wedding? It’s the only item of clothing I have that’s not covered in milk.

I’m such a mom. I spent 14 hours trying to find affordable childcare, but I failed, so now I’ve been at the DMV with my baby for six hours.

I’m such a mom. I have opinions about animated dogs. I never wanted it to be like this.

I’m such a mom. I haven’t slept in 2 years.

I’m such a mom. I lied to my husband about traffic so I could sit in my car in the garage for 20 minutes before going inside.

I’m such a mom. My only hobby is “scrolling.”

I’m such a moment. My attention span is so short I can’t even concentrate on And Just Like That. But I know I relate to Charlotte. Except not really. She’s so rich.

I’m such a mom. I eat dinner standing over the sink.

I’m such a mom. I’m whispering “what the f*ck” into the diaper pail.

I’m such a mom. If Facebook shows me a picture of myself in college, I will sue them. I don’t care that Mark Zuckerberg is a billion. I’m bringing it. Social Network 2.0.

I’m such a mom. Sometimes I fantasize about being hospitalized for something minor, just for a break.

I’m such a mom. I’m beginning to understand the plot of The Awakening. I’m not saying I relate! Just that I understand.

I’m such a mom. I’m chronically undervalued by my kid, husband, and the rest of society.

I’m such a mom. I’m on Zoloft.

I’m such a mom. Yeah, I’m thinking about having another kid. They’re so cute!