I’m Firing My Scale
enjoy this satire piece, and before you do, pls reserve tix to my next stand up show! jan 20th xox
I’m firing my scale for showing me wrong, stupid numbers. I need a scale I can trust, not some woke random-number generator.
My fitness tracker is next. It says I only walked 47 steps yesterday, but I played so much golf. The most golf that’s ever been played. I definitely did more than 47. Maybe it’s one of those dumb Democrat fitness trackers that doesn’t count steps if you’re in a golf cart. FIRED. Also don’t post the all-caps. We stopped doing that when Gavin Newsom started. Fired.
And I’m canning my mirror. It keeps showing me the face of a creepy old dude. Totally unreliable. Chuck-Schumer-hoax, 100%. Can somebody fix it? I should be seeing a creepy middle-aged dude.
While I’m at it, I’m also firing my bank. My net worth should be in the 8-digits, but it’s only in the 7s. This is clearly Schwab’s fault. Aren’t you counting my crypto? Put it in the 9-digits. Nobody should have a bigger net worth than me. I’m unpresidentedly rich.
And of course I’m firing my pollsters. They say my approval rating is only 8%, when I know for a fact it’s at least TWICE that. Numbers should be patriotic. And if they’re not, they’re gone. Also no caps. God I hate Gavin.
Oh and I gotta axe the doctor who did my physical. He listed my height as 6’3”, when he knew the correct answer was “Taller and Better than Lincoln.” Idiot. WOKE! Woke.
And I’m getting rid of Eventbrite. I used it to sell tickets for my birthday party, and it says only zero people registered. Which can’t be true, because they were free. And it was the biggest, bestest party in history. FIRED FIRED FIRED. Wait no. Fired fired fired. Do not show Gavin.
My social media analytics? Completely unreliable. They’re showing me engagement numbers that are way too low. If these numbers are to be believed, it would seem like I’m the only person using this whole big beautiful app that I created? And that can’t be true, because I know Stephen Miller’s wife is on here somewhere. I will find her. Katie? Katie? I’m coming for you! Don’t worry, I got you! Katie??
I gotta fire my fact-checker, too. She checked facts, and boo. Witch hunt!
Oh, and I’m firing the guy who does my makeup. This is actually more for everyone else’s benefit.