Acceptable Reasons for Wearing a Mask in Public
These and only these
So, you want to wear a mask in public. That’s totally fine, just as long as you have a good reason. A real reason. Not something silly, like a fear of infectious diseases or a desire to protest a war without getting doxed.
You’re afraid of aging: Sun exposure is very real. Especially for white ladies, or as we like to call them, “ladies.” And since the ideal age to look is either 21 or ten years younger than you are (whichever comes first), you can absolutely cover your entire face, if your goal is to block those UV rays.
You’re working as an ICE agent: Of course, if you’re doing the critical work of deporting our nation’s Home Depot staff, you need to cover your face.
You want to work as an ICE agent: Dress for the job you want. Even if you haven’t been hired as an ICE agent (which is weird, since I didn’t realize they rejected people), you can still wear a mask. I mean, you have almost as much to be embarrassed about as an actual ICE agent, so it’s only fair.
You have acne: Ugh, cover this. Now. We live in a society. That means considering other people’s feelings.
You’re freezing cold: If you live somewhere extremely cold – Russia, for example, where many of our closest friends serve in the government – you can cover your face. While outdoors.
Your lips are distractingly sexy: In this case, it’s your obligation to cover them at the workplace. Your male coworkers otherwise might not be able to concentrate, and that’s not fair to them.
Your dad is a billionaire: Kidnapping is a very real concern for wealthy children. Your personal security team has advised face coverings, and who are we to question the wisdom of former Navy SEALs making $600K a year?
You’re Lauren Boebert at a theater: Girl, have a good time!
You’re a January 6th participant finally visiting DC again: Everyone deserves to take a nice vacation with their family without being harassed by weirdo stalker-creeps who “saw you” on the “news.”
Your doctor botched your Botox: Sometimes the frozen forehead extends a bit too far down. We understand. Trust me – here at the Department of Homeland Security, we really understand. Take all the time and face covering you need.
You’re avoiding facial recognition technology in CostCo: Or any other “woke” store. If you want to shoplift a pack of minifranks from a DEI-riddled company, that’s fine with us. In fact, we encourage it. After all, that’s what America was founded on: theft from people who offered you an enormous amount for free.
You’re test-driving a Tesla: I mean, at this point, this is just so embarrassing kinda regardless of your political ideology. So, cover up. We get it.
You’re a plastic surgeon: Or another kind of surgeon, I guess, as long as you’re not woke about it.
You’re hiding from your SoulCycle instructor in public: She WILL ask why you haven’t been to class, and she WILL make you commit to tomorrow’s 5:45 AM ride. The mask is self-preservation.
You’re a healthcare executive: The world is not a safe place for healthcare execs anymore. Please protect yourself.
You’re trying to avoid Covid…because you’re not vaccinated: I know we said that “trying to avoid an infectious disease” wasn’t a good enough reason, but we’ll make an exception if you’re not vaxxed. Good for you! Well done.