My Favorite Comments
hey friends—I have a stand up show in Philly May 2nd, please come! And now, enjoy this essay.
Social media is oft-described as a “waste of time” filled with people who are “crazy.” Against all odds, I have it in my heart to disagree. “Crazy” is a word that’s been so abused it now means nothing at all; it’s been interpreted out of existence. Furthermore, people are “crazy” whether or not they’re commenting on a public post. It’s a gift that they’ve offered up the chance to be seen. Like a parent who wants their teenager to drink inside the house, first, I say—get on out here with your crazy, crazies! The scariest kind of crazy is the crazy you cannot see.
I don’t shy away from the craziness online. I love reading comments. People who turn their comments off are cowards who don’t want to let me have my fun. Or they’re people who’ve faced so much harassment that they can’t bear it anymore, and I respect that. But if there are comments available, I’ll read reading them.
Responses on viral posts—tweets, Instagram reels, TikToks—have taught me much about our collective cultural sentiment. Sometimes, I learn that something is offensive for reasons I wouldn’t have thought of. Sometimes, I learn a concept is broadly relatable, which has taught me to be more empathetic. Sometimes, I develop a more nuanced understanding of those with differing political views. It’s easy to make generalizations about a group of people from afar, but it’s much harder when you have hundreds, if not thousands, of different reactions to showcase their arguments with more granularity. People say that social media collapses nuance, but I disagree. An individual tweet may do that, but a collection of hundreds of comments is a nuanced sampling indeed.
Most often, though, I read comments because they’re funny. And for anyone looking to get into the comment-reading game, here are a few posts to to keep your eyes out for, as they generate the most salacious commentary:
A politician’s young children: By definition, all elected officials are reviled by about half the population. As such, they should know better than to try to be cute online, but these people aren’t very smart. A politician who posts his or her young children births a wonderful comment thread. Half are along the lines of, “awww.” Forty-nine percent are along the lines of, “just because you have a cute kid doesn’t mean it’s ok that you did xyz.” And 1% (god bless these 1%) are straight up, “your kid is ugly.” And that’s why I love this country.
Apology videos: Eighty percent of the comments will mock the poster, and 20% will say how inspired they are. Eighty is a lot more than 20—apology videos have never gone over well for anyone. But keep trying them; the best book I read recently was the comment thread on Drew Barrymore’s scab apology vid.
Any female influencer’s relationship soft-launch: Such a joy to read. Many friends and fans will comment with hearts, but a lot of jealous dudes will say things like, “so how much money does he have?” or “I give it two weeks.” At its core, though, these comments are a beautiful reminder that a significant percentage of the men following an attractive Instagram influencer are only doing it because…they think they can eventually date her.
Any post not related to a big tragedy on the day the tragedy happened: This is the best way to get any and all news on big tragedies. All the comments will go into detail on it.
Any joke posted by a woman: There will be about 50 men repeating the joke back with slightly different wording, 40 men explaining the joke, 30 men repeating the joke back with the exact same wording, and 200 men saying the joke is not funny. This is Twitter’s equivalent of the golden ratio.
An innocuous, popular joke: People take offense in the most creative ways. Posting about cookies is alienating to people with diabetes, posting about cats is triggering to allergy-sufferers, and posting about exes is hurtful to people whose name has the letter “X” in it. If you post a totally fictional conversation, people will suggest you’ve violated the privacy of the fictional beings involved. If you post references to a fantasy world, you’re associating yourself with Harry Potter, and therefore JK Rowling, and therefore transphobia. If you post the word “tits,” you’re being hateful towards breast cancer survivors. You can’t win. But I can, when I’m reading the comments.
Pictures of cats: In my experience, pictures of cats lead to comment threads full of cats. It’s a no-lose situation. Cats built modern memes. We owe them the internet. We owe them everything.
Anyone expressing any sort of joy: It will be short-lived. If you’re happy for any reason on Twitter, get ready for a reminder that you’re only happy because you’re a beneficiary of the patriarchal-white-supremacist-capitalist-nepotistic world we live in, and you need to check your privilege. Which probably, you do.
Any religious reference from a right-wing leader: These comments can be genuinely heartwarming, because at least half of them are other Christians throwing the bible back at them. I rarely feel proud to call myself a Christian, but when perusing these comments, I’m inspired by how many Christians jump in earnestly to remind these guys of what hypocrities they are (Jesus was very obviously a socialist).
Anything Lena Dunham posts: It’s a lack of engagement that really speaks to our cultural moment.
Anything crypto-related: A perfect habitat for admiring all the local bot fauna; really inspiring to see such eco-diversity on the internet.
Ugly babies, posted by a non-politician: Here, you will be inspired by humanity’s profound ability to lie. I had no idea root vegetables were cute.
Anything on anyone’s posts but mine: I don’t read my own comments. Okay, so maybe I’m the coward.
So, if you get sucked into a comment-reading hole, don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s much more than a “waste of time.” You’re entertaining yourself, you’re learning, you’re feeding the algorithms. You’re doing anything but nothing.
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